I was feeling a bit tearful this-morning, after watching the death-knell of music in the UK show last night, the Brits, so to make things easier when weeping, I sellotaped some lace hankies to my face, just under my nose, and around my eyes, making a sort-off white lacey hankie burka, a catch all for tears and snot, as it rolls down my sad and hurt cheeks... as always with these things, there's no point in patenting it, when you've had a great idea, I've been told, at least 12 other people have had the same idea at the same time,,, You gotta say, great-minds-think-alike, and that was definitely the case with the lacey hankie idea, because Lady Ga Ga, despite knowing that I would be utilizing said method this-morning, managed to use the idea last night, just in time for tear catching. I'd hate to see the state of the taped on hankies at the end of last night, when she was lying in an emotional and drunken state, passed out from too much champagne, a record company lackey, wiping the excess snot from her tired emotional lacey bits (where bogies had got stuck).. her and Lily Allen, two megaliths of modern female talent hob-knobbing, amongst the cognoscente of the music business... I can imagine the scene now...... yawn f*****', yawn...Its about the only time I've ever agreed with Liam Gallagher, and probably the only time I ever will, a career made on Beatles tributes, he should be glad to get a Brit, throwing it in to the audience may have been a little hasty as a protest, something he might be regretting even now, but definitely when he's 64... that's about the only place for them isn't it, or in the plastic's recycling bucket.. a show so biased, and so geared towards record companies pushing their latest million dollar campaign acts we may as well just have turned on MTV and watched the relentless round-the-clock same glossy video's that they stick down your neck day-in-day-out....
What startled me, and the most shocking aspect, was , the complete lack of groups, you know, like 4 blokes (or girls) with guitars... America is completely littered with excellent and original bands, and we can't even come up with 1 good new group that may be a contender for world dominance... whatever happened to bands like Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Stones, The Smiths, The Bay City Rollers , well yes, even the Rollers look good up against Kasabian, a band so devoid of an original idea you may as well put on an old Stackwaddy album and turn the sound down, I wasn't asking for much, but, when you look at the landscape of bands, and potential for Awards, and you end up with Kasabian !! The Stone Roses Tribute Band without the tunes.
You can see who the chosen ones are, and those who have been looked over relentlessly, I wouldn't like to be Paolo Nutini, or Bat for Lashes, or Ladyhawke, it becoming very close to them not taking your calls at the record company, 'Hello, I'm sorry he's not in, can I take a message'......................... then, we have Dizzee Rascal, a person so lacking in talent its like watching Rap audition night at the Frog and Nightgown on the Old Kent Road, the poor man's Jay Z, and Florence, the poor man's Alicia Key's. It becomes so patently obvious why homegrown artists like this struggle against truly stellar acts like Jay Z and Alicia when you see them up against each other. Dizzee, and Florence's high pitched squealing, and screaming, over a lame murdering of the Candi Staton classic, if Candi had walked out she would have floored the thin little shrill warblings of Florence.
I see a vision, a vision of a new world, a world of music, an Orwellian nightmare, a world dominated by a joyless, greedy, unhappy, mother obsessed man (not Hitler, but close), finally, kicking a clod of earth on to a coffin lying in a grave, and in the coffin the last vestiges of music, the sound of the sod hitting the coffin, that reverberates and becomes a thunderous roar erupting around the world, sending a final wave a mediocrity throughout the globe..... The executioner is Simon Cowell, and the ear-splitting drone is the sound of JLS.. If you're there, record company people, please help us, please please, save the world, save mankind from the terrible holocaust, turn around, every now and then you get a little bit close, turn around ,bright eyes, then kick Simon Cowell, when you're in his office, take a paper knife, stab him in the heart, bash the c***, then kick yourself, kick yourself up the arse, because that's what you deserve for inflicting all this on us..
Also, can I ask, is there any reason why Simon Cowell was A&R manager for Zig & Zag, then the Spice Girls sang 'Zig & Zag , aaaahhhh', its a conspiracy! boo-hoo, excuse me, pass those lace hankies please..............
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